As I Lay Dying
by The Gabby Effect
Summary: A little One-Shot Gabby Fic for those caffeinated Gabby Shippers. Enjoy.


**A/N:** _This was written by a friend of mine for me. (The Kreative Kreature) is his YouTube handle and since he writes random things I thought I'd ask him for a story and this is what he sent me. I loved it! I hope you do too!_

 *****WARNING: May shed some tears... I did.** ***

* * *

 **As I lay Dying  
** _(7 hours til' departure to Iraq)_

 _Why couldn't have I just stayed home?_

 _It's the same question I always ask when I find myself in her apartment. A question I already know the answer to, here is the simple and complicated truth._  
 _I can't stay away from her, even if my life depended on it._

Abby slams her full bottle of beer on the table that snaps him out of his thoughts. She glares at him and draws in a deep breath.

"You shouldn't have come." She seethes.

"You shouldn't have called." Gibbs replies coldly.

The apartment goes quiet as the tension continues rise.

Abby continues to look into those blue eyes but in an instant, she tears her eyes away. Drawing in a deep breath, she feels her chest get tighter. Anger builds that she tries to suppress, but she fails quickly.

"You know what, just go!" She yells.

Gibbs doesn't respond, nor does he move.

Her cold eyes fall on him once more.

"GO! LEAVE, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!" She yells as she points at the door.

He still does not move.

Shaking her head, she walks over to her phone that is charging on the counter. In her frustration, she violently pulls the cord from the wall. The cord rips off the wall charger and goes flying towards Gibbs. He tilts his head as the charger barely misses him and instead slams into the door behind him. Pulling the cord from her phone, she throws it at his feet.

Without looking at him, she leaves to her bedroom.

 **"** Leave… don't come back." She seethes as she heads down the hall.

He watches her disappear into her bedroom.

 _Now, is a good time leave, she doesn't want me here anyway._

Gibbs looks at the door that is only feet behind him. Without hesitation, he heads for the door, grips the handle, and begins to turn the knob.

 _She's pissed, so what? It's nothing that a few shots of bourbon won't fix. She will be happy when I get back and this fight will be forgotten about just like all the others were.  
What am I saying? I always think that it's better that I leave when she's like this, but I always go running after her._

"Shit." He breathes as he lets the handle go.

Instead of leaving, he locks the door and turns around. Taking a deep breath, he leans against the door as he looks down the dark hallway. Her bedroom lights are off and it's quiet, the kind of silence that demands any noise to fill it. Groaning he pushes off the door and heads down the hallway.

Abby stands to her bed looking at her hand that had been hurt by her short but violent rampage. Sniffing back her tears, she drops her hand to her side.

"I know you're there." She says quietly. "I thought I told you leave."

Gibbs doesn't reply, instead he walks into her dark bedroom that the street lights out side are barely illuminating. In silence, he approaches the silhouette of the woman who screamed at him to leave just moments earlier. As he comes closer, he knows that she wouldn't want him anywhere else but right here with her.

She turns around and comes face to face with the gunny in the darkness.

"Gibbs, go." She begs.

He says nothing.

"Please, just go." Abby whispers.

 _She's begging me to leave and I should, but as usual I can't. All I had to do was turn that handle and shut the door behind me instead, here I am in her room inches from her face. I want to leave, really I do, but there's something about trying not to want her that only makes me need her more._

"Gibbs …" She's attempts to ask him to leave again, instead she's cut off by an unexpected 'shut up' kiss.

Her arms come up from her side as she tries to push him away. His arms wrap around her and pulls her closer, even as she tries her hardest to shove him away. Her shoving turns into sloppy punches against his chest and shoulders, but it doesn't stop him.

Tearing her lips away from his she tries to beg him to stop.

"Gibbs, stop… STOP!" She yells.

She's hushed by another 'shut up' kiss and continues to push him away.

He walks them closer to the bed until the back of her knees hit the edge of the mattress. Clinching his hoodie she hangs onto him as he drops them on the bed. His mouth that is still pressed against hers muffles her scream, as he falls half on the bed and half on her. It doesn't take long for him to turn this shut up kiss into a passion driven expression of love that only lives in dark rooms like this. These secret forbidden kisses live only in nights like this and last until one or the other remembers that this is wrong.

He feels her sloppy punches get softer and slower against his shoulder. It takes all his strength to tear his lips away from hers. In the darkness, he looks down at her as they both try to catch their breath.

 _Honestly, I hate the taste of Caf-Pow! But when it's laced on her lips I swear it's the sweetest poison that kills me every time._

Feeling his weight on her, she looks up at him and weakly grip his hoodie.

"I'm sorry… I-we shouldn't…" He tries to apologize as that familiar guilty feeling sets in.

Before he says anything else, he's pulled back down to her lips for another taste of what he could never truly have.

Lost in the slow caffeine laced kisses they abandon their guilt as they let their walls crumble down even though they know they will be building them back up as soon as this kiss ends. Seconds and minutes go by, until he reluctantly pulls away from her.

"Abbs…" He says softly, against her lips.

She says nothing as her arms slither up his shoulders and wrap around his neck pulling him back to her.

"…we… need to stop." He says between kisses.

She groans as she lets him go and lowers her arms back to the bed. He doesn't move from her but instead lowers his head on her shoulder. His breath on her spider web tattoo sends chills through her body, as she tries not to pull him even closer than he already is to her.

"What are we doing?" He whispers.

Licking remnants of his kiss from her lips, she turns to face him. "I don't know." She replies.

A familiar silence fills the room, as they began to regret what they have done and hate the fact that they loved every second of it.

 _What am I doing?  
She's in a relationship, oh god, what the fuck am I doing?_

He shuts his eyes as he tries not to give into what his heart is demanding. It never fails, it's always him or her that ends up feeling guilty, and tonight it's his guilt that is churning beneath his desire for one more taste of her kiss. How he can deny himself what he wants, over and over again is a gift that has become a curse over the past two decades. Tonight, he is so close to knowing and feeling completion again, but the thought of her with someone other than him drives his heart back into the emptiness of his chest. Like a prisoner, his heart and it's love is always barricaded behind bone and flesh. Loving her is easy it always has been, but a painful realization makes loving her difficult tonight. In the darkness, he opens his eyes and as his luck would have it, he sees a badge on the night stand where his once was.

Why is it there?  
He wonders, then again he tells himself for the millionth time that he does not care.

 _Don't say anything, let it go. Just leave and go to the bar and find any woman to get you over her, at least just for tonight. Let it go… I just have to let her go.  
Who am I kidding? I've tried to get over her and let her go for the past twenty years. I'll end up driving to the bar, sit in my car and drive home to that same bottle of bourbon and attempt to drink her away like I always do. It's been years since the first time I kissed her and tonight this feels like our last night together. I said that I did not care, but I want to know… I need to._

"Do you love him?" Gibbs whispers, next to her ear.

Her heart skips a beat as she hears what sounds like pain in his voice. For a while, she does not say anything and instead just lies there feeling his breath on her neck. Tears began to burn her eyes as she forces herself to respond.

"You can't ask me that." She says softly.

"Why not?" He replies.

"Jeth-… Gibbs, you just can't ask me that." Her voice shakes.

"When I was with Hollis-"

"That's different." She cuts him off.

"…then when I with Ryan, even now with this thing I have with Carrie you asked me if I loved them. "

"Gibbs that's different." She continues to insist.

"Why? Because you were the one asking the question?" He says almost coldly.

She turns away from him and looks at the badge on the nightstand. What was she doing giving into his kiss like that? She wonders. Her own guilt setting in she goes into denial. She didn't give in, she didn't love the taste of his kiss and no it did not leave her wanting more. Moving pass denial she knows deep down she is still that little girl that dreams of true love and that 'Once upon a time' kind of fairytale ending. The thing is, her prince charming has rules and like a curse there's always some excuse to prevent them from truly falling in love.

"Abbs…" He says softly.

"What?" She breathes.

"…do you love him?" He asks again.

Taking a deep breath, she attempts to lie to him.

"…yes." She replies.

The tears build in her eyes because the thought of hurting him breaks her heart.

"I love him…" Her voice cracks, as she tries to believe her own lies.

She hopes that this will make him leave and maybe finally end the secret affair that has lasted for so long. Instead, she feels a soft ghostly kiss on her neck.

"Liar." He whispers as he continues to kiss her neck.

Shutting her eyes, she giggles at how terrible she is at lying, especially to him.

Smiling against her skin, he covers her in kisses that had been building up since the last time they were alone like this. The intense chills coursing through her body is the product of the most gentle of kisses from the most feared agent at NCIS. Most know him as Special Agent Gibbs, a fearless marine that you don't dare mess with, but when it came to her he is far from ruthless and heartless. Laying in the dark with her gunny, her eyes close as she memorizes the way his lips feel on her skin. His soft slow kisses bring her the edge of giving in once more, her mind spins, her heart races and her body fills with ripples of chills from his kisses.

"Don't go." She breathes.

Her words stop him, as he is reminded of what pissed her off earlier.

"Abbs-"

"Jethro, please don't go." She whispers as she turns her head to face him again.

He looks into her eyes.

 _She the only one who can scream at me to leave and beg me to stay in the same night, but as usual I do the opposite._

"I have to." He replies.

"No, you don't." She says.

Taking a breath he looks at her. "I can't send Tony by himself and I won't send McGee with him."

Abby says nothing.

"I have to do this, Abby."

"Something's not right, Gibbs. This feels different. You're not treating this like all the other cases. The boy he's… he's gotten to you and your guard is down." She explains to him.

"It's not." He assures her.

"It is and trust me, I know when your guard is down." She replies as she cups his face.

Gibbs doesn't reply.

"Something's wrong with you lately. You seem distracted and it started after Dorneget was killed. I know you Gibbs, I know when you're focused because if I called you tonight when you were, you wouldn't have come over. You wouldn't even have answered your phone. Please… Jethro, for me, don't go." She begs again.

"I'd do anything for you, Abbs." He replies as he places a kiss on her palm. "…but I have to do this."

"One of these days, you're not gonna come back." She tells him quietly.

"Well, you told me not to, right?" He replies.

She pulls her hand away from his face. "You know I didn't mean that."

"You screamed it." He tells her.

"Because you pissed me off." She tells him as she turns away from him again and reaches for the lamp by her bed. The light from the lamp illuminates the room as Gibbs sees the badge that he feels like it doesn't belong there. Taking a breath, Abby looks at the same badge unaware that the gunny is also looking at it.

"What are we doing?" She says softly, as her own guilt comes to the surface.

"What we've always done." He tells her as he looks away from the badge.

"And what's that?"

He takes a breath. "Argue, fight and eventually end up here or on my couch. Get lost in those familiar kisses that we end up regretting afterward."

Abby turns back to face him and places her hand on top of his that is resting on her. Quietly, she interlaces her fingers with his as he watches their hands fit perfectly together. Biting her bottom lip she ignores her guilt and for a moment forgets the existence of the entire world around them as she slowly turns to face him.

"Do you remember the first time you took me fishing?" She asks.

A smile tugs at his lips. "How could I forget?" He whispers.

"Do you remember what you told me in the boat?" She smiles at him as her tears return.

"I said a lot of crazy things that day." He smiles.

"The craziest one you said that day, what was it?" She asks as she moves closer to his lips.

Feeling her breath on his lips, he takes a long slow breath. "I said that my last name would sound good after your name."

She giggles as she kisses him lightly on his lips. "What happened to those crazy people that went fishing that day?"

"They grew up… built walls around their hearts and live with the lies they tell themselves." He answers.

"I'm still that girl, gunny." She whispers as her tears fall. "That girl that can still rock your last name." She smiles through her tears.

"Abby-" His voice shudders.

"Ask me to leave him, tell me that you hate it that I'm with him. Say anything to let me know that you're still that gunny that wanted to marry me." She says while her tears fall and her voice cracks.

 _I do, I want her to leave him. I want her to belong to no one but me. She's still that girl that drives me crazy, but the thing is… I can't ask her to do that._

"I can't ask you that." He whispers.

"Why not?"

"If you wanted me that bad, I wouldn't have to ask you to do anything." He watches her grimace at his words. "I know you love me… and I love you, but maybe we don't love each other enough."

"Don't say that." She says as she takes her hand from his. "Of course I love you enough, but there's always rules keeping us a part-"

"It's not just my rules Abbs, it's guys like him." He responds coldly.

Abby shakes her head. "It's not just guys, it's the women you've been with that you easily give your heart to that comes between us. Why is it so easy for you to love them that way, while you make it seem so hard to love me like that?"

"Because there's always some excuse that you use or I start to over think things and end up staying away from you." He tells her.

"Tell me what you want?" She begs him.

For a moment, he looks into her eyes that are still filled with tears and slowly closes the distance between them. His lips lingers on hers as his own tears began to fill his eyes and pulls away from her.

"I… I want to hate you." He replies.

His words leave her speechless and she swears this is the moment he would break her heart.

"I pretend that I don't care who you're with but I do. It's easy to be with someone that isn't you because I know no matter how much we want this, we can never have it." He admits to her.

Abby wipes away her tears. "We can try."

"That's what we've been doing for the past twenty years and this is how far we've come." He takes a breath and cups her face. "Abby, I have to tell you something about when I come back."

"What?" She asks.

He swallows the lump in his throat. "I'm leaving…"

Her heart begins to race. "What do you mean?"

"I picked up a transfer request and a retirement form. I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but when I come back I'll have my mind made up." He tells her.

"You can't leave me." She begs while she cups his face.

"I have to." His whispers.

"No you don't."

"Abby, I'm holding you back from having a future with Burt. I try to move on but you're always right there in front of me. I have to leave Abby, there's nothing for me here."

"I'm here." She tells him as she sniffs back her tears.

Taking her hand from his face his places a kiss upon them and kisses her.

"Gibbs, don't leave me." She tells him between kisses. "I can't live without you."

Pulling back from her, he wipes away her tears as she clinches his hoodie in her hands.

"Leaving won't make you forget me." She says as her heart breaks. "No matter where you go, I'll always be on in your heart and on your mind."

With one final kiss he tastes her lips one more time and tries not to fall to pieces as he tells himself that this will be the last time he will ever kiss her like this.  
Her tears falling and her heart breaking she clings onto him, in hopes that this night would never end. She would go to the ends of the earth for him and why he thought she didn't love him enough, she did not know. He would lay his life down for her, but why loving her scared him so much he was unsure. This kiss was the end and most painfully, this kiss tasted so much like the first they shared so many years ago. Perhaps he was right, they had grew up and apart. They weren't who they once were all those years ago, but maybe they had just forgotten what it felt like to love without rules or consequences. Maybe they loved each other not enough but too much to risk their unique friendship on. Whatever the case, they both knew they would never love someone quiet like this, because love like this isn't found... it finds you.

Hesitantly, they part and rest their heads against each other.

"You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone." He whispers to her before he leaves.

* * *

 **Iraq Present Day**

The shots echo down the streets as he feels the warmth of his blood begin to seep from his wounds.  
His mind cannot grasp the fact that he was just shot, because for some strange reason he is not thinking about the pain. He's thinking of her and the last moment he shared with her. He can hear Tony shouting something but his eyes look into the blue sky above him. It was a clear day like this when he first met her and like a nervous teenager, he had asked her out to lunch. They talked about guns over their Chinese food and she happily gave him her fortune. He finds it painful to breathe but he continues to think about her and that weekend they spent at the lake. That was where he first kissed her on the cheek and afterward he kissed her on her lips. That was the first time he tasted CafPow! on her lips and when she told him his tasted like coffee. Taking a painful breath he knows something isn't quiet right because it hurts like hell to breathe.

"Boss!" Tony screams as kneels down next to him.

He doesn't look at him but continues to peer into the blue sky above him.

 _We were young then, young and crazy. Why did I stop being that love struck fool that I was, when I was I was with her?  
I want that day back… I want to be him again. _

"Gibbs, look at me!" Tony yells, bringing him out of his daze.

Turning his head to his agent, he begins to cough and tastes the blood that fills his mouth.

 _I love her, I always will even when now when I'm trying to breathe… I love her._

"Oh god…" Tony breathes as he sees the blood soak Gibbs' shirt and come from his mouth. "Gibbs, everything is going to be okay." Tony tries to assure him.

Gibbs opens his mouth to speak.

"Don't say anything." Tony tells him as he tries to stop the bleeding.

"A…" Gibbs grimaces at the pain. "Abby…" He breathes as he clinches Tony's shirt.

Tony continues to try to stop the blood. "She's gonna kill me, if I don't bring you back. So, you hang in there okay?" Tony's voice cracks.

"…tell her, I'm sorry…" he tries to breathe.

Tony shakes his head. "For what?"

"For… for not coming… home." Gibbs manages to say.

Tony tries to hide his fear as he hears those words. Shaking his head Tony looks down at the gunny. "I should head-slap you for apologizing." Tony tires to joke.

"…I love her, Tony." Gibbs says that Tony can barely hear now.

Tears filling his eyes Tony looks down at his friend. "I know Gibbs, I know… she loves you, you know that right?"

Gibbs nods at him and clinches onto Tony's shirt as begins to fight for every breath.

 _She's was right, no matter where I would go she would always be on my mind.  
Even now as I lay dying, it's not death I'm thinking of… it's her.  
I think I was right too, because she's gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone. _

The blue sky fades to grey then to black.

"Gibbs…" Tony whispers.

Nothing.

"No, no, no… Gibbs!" Tony yells and leans down and presses his head to the gunny's chest. Hearing nothing, Tony panics and begins CPR.

"I'm not telling her, sorry, you hear me!" Tony shouts and begins to breathe air into his friends' lungs.

Scared and on the verge of tears Tony continues to fight to bring his friend, his brother back.  
This isn't how the story of Leroy Jethro Gibbs is going to end, he told himself and he sure as hell wasn't about to tell Abby that he wasn't coming home.

"Don't you dare let me tell Abby you're sorry." Tony says as he fights for his friends life.

 _ ***phoof***_

* * *

 ***THANKS FOR READING!*~**

 _"I'm tempted to write a follow up for this, because I think the ending leaves it open for that.  
Don't you think?  
Well, I have other chapters to upload in the days to come, but I hope you enjoyed this."  
_

 _-The Gabby Effect-_


End file.
